At the age of four, I cried as I watched a doctor burn a wart off my older brother’s hand. I felt his pain as if it were my own. I remember my own surprise and hurt as they laughed at me.
And later still, when he was hit on the head with a hard school case – his scalp split open and blood was running everywhere, I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t crying. It hurt so much.
His response was simple: “Don’t be stupid!” But I couldn’t help it. I felt his pain in my own body.
Experiences like these taught me that there was something wrong, something unacceptable, about my innate ability to sense what others feel. I learned early on to stop talking about what I tuned into, shutting it down.
My interpretation was clear: There was something wrong with me.
And that belief shaped my sense of self and my place in the world.
This ability to sense and connect with others’ emotions—what we call empathy—can be both a gift and a challenge. When we are truly attuned to someone, we understand their experience on a deeper level, feeling their emotions even without words.
In ideal conditions, with the support of caring caregivers, we learn to differentiate between ourselves and others, forming a healthy sense of self. But for many of us, ideal childhoods were the exception, not the rule.
When we have a strong, healthy sense of self, we can clearly perceive that the words, behaviours, and feelings of others are not us.
This is the foundation of healthy boundaries—recognizing where we end and another person begins. Healthy boundaries allow us to communicate openly, listen actively, and negotiate for our needs to be met.
But when we are deeply empathic and lack a clear sense of self, setting boundaries becomes a struggle. This shows up in behaviours like people-pleasing, defensiveness, over-giving, and sometimes even playing the victim.
Without healthy boundaries, we can become trapped in co-dependent, dysfunctional relationships.
If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you’re struggling with boundaries and might identify as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).
HSPs are deeply attuned to their environment, often absorbing the emotions of others. You may have been told you’re too sensitive all your life or found it hard to navigate relationships because of your heightened sensitivity. This can lead to feelings of isolation, confusion, and even a belief that there’s something fundamentally wrong with you—damaging your self-esteem.
Understanding how the mind works can offer some relief.
Think of the mind as survival programming for the body. When we’re emotionally, mentally, or physically threatened, one of our body’s natural responses is to shut down our sensory awareness – disassociating ourselves from our senses. This is our way of protecting ourselves from being overwhelmed.
But for HSPs, this dissociation can be even more pronounced. We lose who we are. Over time, this disconnection from our own sensations can lead us to anxiety, panic, and even depression.
Without understanding ourselves and how we’ve adapted to life’s challenges, it’s easy to fall into the trap of blaming ourselves or others for our emotional struggles.
As adults, our heightened ability to sense others’ emotions can complicate our relationships.
How often do we find ourselves pretending to be fine when we’re not? What others say may not always match how they feel, and as HSPs, we pick up on that mismatch instantly.
Imagine this scenario: You’re talking to someone who says they’re happy to see you, but you can sense their anger simmering just beneath the surface. As an HSP, it’s almost impossible not to react to that underlying emotion. You might instinctively recoil from their anger or become defensive. In turn they may interpret your response as rejection – potentially amplifying their anger and perpetuating a painful cycle. Both of you may end up feeling hurt, confused or on edge. You might find yourself wondering why they seem to dislike you, or why relationships always feel so hard.
This dynamic—where we absorb and mirror the emotions of others—often leads to co-dependent relationships, where we lose our own sense of identity.
We attract partners who match our patterns of relating, and as the relationship deepens, we lose ourselves even more.
Our ability to sense the other’s feelings, without having a solid sense of who we are, makes it difficult to communicate effectively and have our needs met.
Imagine this scenario: you and your partner decide to go on a date night. It’s your turn to pick the restaurant, so you choose your favourite: Thai. But then your partner mentions a new Indian restaurant they’ve been wanting to try. It seems harmless, so you agree. But over time, this pattern repeats. You end up at their choice more often than not, and your feelings of frustration grow. The issue isn’t that your partner is manipulating you, which is how we may feel if we are blaming the other—it’s that you’ve fallen into a pattern of over-giving, not realizing that your own desires are being sidelined.
In co-dependent relationships, it’s easy to blame the other person, but we co-create these patterns. We give away our power – trying to avoid conflict or the discomfort of feeling the other person’s emotions. This leads to dissatisfaction, a sense of unfulfillment, and resentment.
Tuning into others’ emotions isn’t a choice—it’s simply who you are. You were born sensitive, and this heightened sensitivity helps you survive.
But without sensitive parenting or a nurturing environment, this trait can lead to maladaptive behaviours that protect you from being overwhelmed. These behaviours become deeply ingrained in your psyche, shaping your relationships and self-worth.
To begin healing these patterns, it’s crucial to approach yourself with compassion. We’re all doing the best we can with the tools we’ve learned to survive.
And when we learn new tools, we can begin to do things differently.
Stop blaming. It’s easy to point fingers—at ourselves, our partners, friends, bosses, or parents. Yes, others may have hurt us, but blame keeps us stuck in victim mode, preventing us from breaking the cycles that hurt us. Until we take responsibility for our part in our relationships, we’ll continue to repeat the same patterns.
It’s not easy to face our shadows—the fear, pain, and anger that have been buried for so long. But it’s through this process that we heal and become whole again – developing a stronger sense of self, accepting ourselves just as we are, nurturing who we are – which leads to feelings of inner peace and freedom.
Thirteen Practices for Healing and Reclaiming Yourself
- Educate Yourself: Understand your behaviour and interactions with others through reading, courses, or therapy. Knowledge is power.
- Journaling: Reflecting on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours can help you identify patterns and triggers and help to stop those thoughts circling around and around in your mind.
- Embodiment Practices: Yoga, meditation, or dance can help reconnect you with your body.
- Self-Care: Take care of your physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing through good nutrition, sleep, exercise, and rest.
- Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Change is a process, and it often involves setbacks.
- Gratitude Practice: Focus on what you’re thankful for daily, from good health to the simple joys of life.
- Daydream: Visualize the life you want as if it’s already real.
- Stargazing: Reconnect with the wonder and joy of your inner child.
- Spend Time in Nature: Reconnect with the Earth through all of your senses.
- Do What You Love: Whether it’s dancing, cooking, or creating, make time for the activities that bring you joy.
- Set Intentions: Be mindful of the choices you make, ensuring they align with what feels right for you.
- Be Open to Experience: Stay open to new ideas, concepts, and practices. Growth happens when we embrace new perspectives.
- Seek Support: Therapy or counselling can offer valuable guidance as you navigate the process of reclaiming yourself.
In summary, by identifying and reprogramming your thinking, building your self-esteem through self-care, and reconnecting with your body, you can begin to shift old patterns and heal your sense of self. This journey may take time, but it’s worth it. And remember, you’re not alone.
Being highly sensitive or deeply empathic doesn’t have to be a curse. It’s a gift.
As we heal, we can use our sensitivity to create the life we desire and connect with others in a deeper and more meaningful way. When we recognize that we are spiritual beings having a human experience, we can reframe our challenges as opportunities for growth. And as we heal, we learn that our sensitivity might just be the key to our higher purpose.
